Thursday, September 30, 2004

Interview with a Toad

Yesterevening I was walking past the fridge when I saw a "rock" beside it. "How did that rock get there?"I thought. Suddenly the "rock" hopped away and my heart hopped into my throat. I'm not really scared of toads, but even after 4 years in Pakistan, I'm just not used to having the wild life walk right into my house.

As I grabbed a broom and dust pan and prepared to gently sweep Mr.Toad up and replace him on the front poarch where he could eat bugs and live the good life a thought passed through my head. (cue the scary music) Toads are nice, natural "exterminators" I had just had the house chemically exterminated two weeks ago and we still had a few bugs. Aniraz says reciently one even greeted her in the microwave at the end of 4 minutes cooking time!

So maybe Mr. Toad would like a job as my exterminator. I reasoned to myself, "Toads are nice creatures. They don't scare me like lizards do with their flashing about at high speeds and hanging smuggly off walls and ceilings. Toads at least hop slowly and stay put on the ground." I posed the question to him.

me: Excuse me, Mr. Toad. I have need of an exterminator. Are you avalible?

Toad: That depends, Madame, on what type of pests you have.

me: Well, we have some small roaches...

Toad: American or German?

me: Pardon?

Toad: The roaches, are they American roaches or the German variety?

me: Well, I've never put my ear close enough to hear their accents, but since this is a household of Americans with American-style garbage, I would have to assume they are American roaches.

Toad: Tasty: continue.

me: Yes, and the occassional gutter roach, you know the really big nasty ones that fly! *toad liked his lips* Of course, there is an endless supply of ants (large and small), flies and mosquitos. We were just chemically exterminated reciently and all the crickets are dead.

Toad: Pity, I do enjoy crickets for dinner.

me: You see we have a veritable smorgasboard of insects for your dinning pleasure. So would you consider taking the job?

Toad: It is tempting.

me: Well, I do have one request. Maybe I'm a bit of a specie-ist, but I don't enjoy having you hang around the fridge like that. If you could just lurk in the dark cornors unseen, I'd feel better. Oh, and since this job is only part-time do you have any other skills we could combine into a full-time job?

Toad: (eyes gleaming) Poop poop, I am quite a marvelous driver of motorcars. I could be your exterminator cum driver.

me: Really!?

He promptly arranged the dinningroom chairs into a rude resemblance of a motorcar; couched on the foremost of them, bent forward, and staring fixedly ahead, made uncouth and ghastly noises till, with a jump and a shout, he turned a complete somersault and lay prostrate amid the ruins of the chairs. Clearly, he had the essence of Pakistani driving.

Shaken, I hurriedly thanked him and showed him to the door, all the while thinking how I could politely decline my invitation of employment. I was relieved to discover a few days later when I opened my mail that I had the excuse I needed.

me: I'm sorry to say, Mr. Toad, I won't be able to offer you the job of exterminator cum driver. It seems you failed the background check.

Anyway, a lizard applied for the job today and I'm letting him stay on conditionally till we see if he passes the security clearence.


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